The Chess Player

Before You Read: This was something that I wrote when I first decided to sit down and figure out some things about myself. I had been to reserved that I didnt feel like anything was wromg with me until a friend asked me why I was so bitter. If you have never evaluated your life you should because you may never know yourself until you ask.

No one knows me for real. My friends and even family have no clue. I dont open up. I'm like a stuborn rose bud that just wont open.There is a wonderful beauty inside me that I just will not show.

A friend said, "I love you rica." So I said, "you too." Then he asked me, "Why are you so bitter? Why wont you say i love you?"

My problem is that I'm too much of a chess player in life. I think of the next possible moves before I make my move. I'm never spontaneous because I'm afraid of the possible outcomes.

I cried when I said I love you to this guy because I truely meant it. I said this after five years and a mishap and he didnt realize my feelings or maybe I just waited too long.That was what I was afraid of all along.When I realized I had missed out on him I felt the need or obligation to let him know that I always felt this way about him.

I've always felt that the words "i love you" were very powerful and that they shouldnt be thrown around or passed out to just anyone.It's just the chess player in me.     Luv and LOVE are two different feelings.

The thing is... I cant even play a game of chess if I tried. So, maybe thats why im so great at ruining my chances... by thinking to much on things that are obvious.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

I Smile Yet I Frown

I smile yet i frown at the fact that i have u yet i missed out on so much.

I smile yet i frown b/c i love wat we're doing but i wonder if it just may be a little too much.
I smile yet i frown at the complete joy u bring me when we are together yet the thought of EVER loosing u makes me want to shed a tear.
I smile yet i frown knowing that my love for u is unconditional yet i know to the "rules" of love we may not adhere.

I smile yet i frown knowing that i mean alot to u but i may never be ur number one.

I smile yet i frown knowing u love me but wondering if our love like a gun...firing off the last round and then its done?

I smile yet i frown when i look at u and instantly become happy but in the back of my mind there's a uncontrolable fear.

I smile yet i frown knowing that our future is closer, yet the past is undeniably ALWAYS near.

-wlcm Arica Rae'Shon M.

A Kiss

i stand and stare into your beautiful eyes and reminisce on our wonderful moments together.

i want to tell you how i want to be loved and how to love me but i cant do that because its all up to you.

the silence kills me as i watch you slowly fade away.

yet im still stuck with only one foot over the threshold.

its like half of me is stuck on something that is no longer there.

the feeling of an irrepressible love with that same love unrequited is so numbing.

i love u so much ive become insane.

i miss everything that may have never even been.

i have come to reality, no more padded rooms for me.

i now understand that this love i yearn for is futile.

together we will always stand but together we will never be.

i know something is missing because a kiss says everything.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Physically We Yield

we know what's there yet we still move on.
slowing down time as if we had control.
knowing that in the end only the truth can be told.
everything has an experation date.
we just aren't sure of how long.
how long before it's me without you, and you without me, so then we're alone.
creating walls we quickly rebuild as one is demolished.
love, unlike silver it can never be perfectly polished.
mentally and spiritually we move on, quickining our pace.
but physically we yeild.
knowing logically with life vs love...
we could never win that race.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Lonley

tell me....
how do i feel lonley even when you're right next to me
you're not here with me.
you're presense is so unreal.
i create this love in my head.
this love that can only exist within me.
unrecognizable to you.
inconceivable to others.
how can you be near yet so far.
how can i be so in love yet so lonley.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

With You

with him love is so complicated.
with you love is always easy.
with him complaints are near.
with you complaints don't exist.
with him there's always inconsistancy.
with you I can count on love never changing.
with him I'm afraid to show all of me.
with you I'm accepted completely.
with him there's an excuse.
with you there's always the truth.
with him I'm partial.
with you I'm whole.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Speechless

When all else fails, I'm able to express my self through writing.
I'll start off with a concept,
but then I'm unable to find the words to explain how I feel.
I'm constantly confused by you.
You piss me off,
but then you do the sweetest things,like
call me out of no where just to say baby I love you.
Then I'm just stuck on the phone not knowing what to do.
Constantly skeptical,
I said I'd never.
But it is true.
Baby I love u too.
But there's just somethng that makes me speechless when it comes to u.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.