Before You Read: This was something that I wrote when I first decided to sit down and figure out some things about myself. I had been to reserved that I didnt feel like anything was wromg with me until a friend asked me why I was so bitter. If you have never evaluated your life you should because you may never know yourself until you ask.
No one knows me for real. My friends and even family have no clue. I dont open up. I'm like a stuborn rose bud that just wont open.There is a wonderful beauty inside me that I just will not show.
A friend said, "I love you rica." So I said, "you too." Then he asked me, "Why are you so bitter? Why wont you say i love you?"
My problem is that I'm too much of a chess player in life. I think of the next possible moves before I make my move. I'm never spontaneous because I'm afraid of the possible outcomes.
I cried when I said I love you to this guy because I truely meant it. I said this after five years and a mishap and he didnt realize my feelings or maybe I just waited too long.That was what I was afraid of all along.When I realized I had missed out on him I felt the need or obligation to let him know that I always felt this way about him.
I've always felt that the words "i love you" were very powerful and that they shouldnt be thrown around or passed out to just anyone.It's just the chess player in me. Luv and LOVE are two different feelings.
The thing is... I cant even play a game of chess if I tried. So, maybe thats why im so great at ruining my chances... by thinking to much on things that are obvious.
-Arica Rae'Shon M.
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