Your Soul Waitress

How can you smell like my past...I'm not sure which one. But I know you. Something about you is familiar. I can't put my finger on it..but you have that thing that attracts me. There's a bit more of the puzzle in you. Idk if you're the whole spirit I'm searching for or if you just came from the same wavelength as him/her..but you smell, feel, look, familiar...where did we meet before??? I just feel India when she says, "like maybe I was your husband and maybe you were my wife.."

I can see the truth that you hide.
Even when you be fakin'.
If there's no need for games, then what is it you're contemplatin'?
The longest routes you're always takin',
just to see
if my loyalty
comes naturally
like my hair, that they say needs straightenin'. Love is the Entrée and you got my soul waitin'..

🌌🌜🌞
-Makeda Meraki

Black Child Magic

Hey little black girl
Hey
Hey little black boy
Hey
Read little black girl
Read
Be little black girl
Be
Free little black boy
Free
Think little black boy
Think
Seek the truth and you shall see:
Little black kings and queens
You can be anything
Anything your heart can dream
You can learn everything
Everything you want to learn
You can harness your ancestors
Ancestors bring strength
You can rewrite history
History becomes Your story
When you learn
Knowledge is Strength
Strength is power
And Little Black Children
You have the power.
Some call it melanin, some call magic.
Well let me tell you, its Black child magic. 😘

-Makeda Meraki
🌌🌜🌞

Black Child Magic

Hey little black girl
Hey
Hey little black boy
Hey
Read little black girl
Read
Be little black girl
Be
Free little black boy
Free
Think little black boy
Think
Seek the truth and you shall see:
Little black kings and queens
You can be anything
Anything your heart can dream
You can learn everything
Everything you want to learn
You can harness your ancestors
Ancestors bring strength
You can rewrite history
History becomes Your story
When you learn
Knowledge is Strength
Strength is power
And Little Black Children
You have the power.
Some call it melanin, some call magic.
Well let me tell you, its Black child magic. 😘

-Makeda Meraki
🌌🌜🌞

Spirit Sex

I'll mind fuck you then tell you not to get too caught up in your thoughts.

Better and better it only gets better.

I'm such an unusual girl in this peculiar world, so within your heart you call me a trendsetter.

A kiss so sincere its like your spirit's sending a call back home after being gone so long..

-Makeda Meraki
🌌🌜🌞

Still Waiting

There's a misconfiguration within our determination to do better as a people and rise above as a nation. Maybe, its still due to what Ms. Hill said, you know back in the 90s?..
The Miseducation.

The world and its wicked ways has caused a haze, blinding us all from loving.
Blaming the past on which we've passed as to why we're all still hating, debating,
or just trying to be seen as one,
Yea, its 2017, but
We're still waiting...

Signed,

     America

-Makeda Meraki

Suicide Note

Tbh as a child. I went through so much, saw so much, and felt so much negativity mentally, physically, and emotionally that I literally aspired to be alone. I could never say anything about what i saw bc I'd end up in a foster home or something. And i was the oldest so i had to pretend everything was okay in front of my baby sister and brother, no matter how much i really understood or overheard. I felt inadequate at school (yes i was bullied) and home. I never wanted to feel that alone again without actually being alone. I struggled with suicidal thoughts often. But never went through with it BC of my brother and sister. I just wanted to get away from the hatred, the mean words that so easily flowed from the mouths of strangers and those that are considered family due to a bloodline, and the struggle. I don't know how to love properly BC I feel like I was never truly loved properly from my birth forward. Therefore I guess I never for saw me being married and finding someone, let alone people that actually GAF about how I feel. So if I'm standoffish its BC I can't love half assed like others. Its ALL or NOTHING with me. Every time I have tried to love others its broken me apart in the end. I'm sorry but I'm broken. And only I can fix me. Fixing me means I have to leave everyone behind. I don't want to be here. Literally. I ask 'God' why did I have to be born and why am i here a lot. I have to figure it out before I call it quits all together BC I'm very tired. Imagine forcing yourself to live for others since the age of 10 and you're now 25..

I Just Watched

I just watched a 15year old boy break down
I just cried with him as he broke down during the press conference that was held for his father's death.
I just watched a15year old black boy's spirit die with his father today.
I just watched him as he tried to be strong as his mother spoke and ended up being the new family backbone.
I just watched another melanin filled soul be shot down by law enforcement!
I just watched a father be taken out of a black home yet again, and we know there will be NO indictment, probably just financial endorsements!
I JUST CRIED for a man I don't know.
I JUST watched a boy become a man then revert to a crying child in need of his father again!
I just cried and wiped away my tears, in doing this i realized how often our tears are wiped away as if it never mattered, like it's over when it's not
I just watched another brother die and his sons left to wander the streets without him
I just watched their mother be left alone when she thought she had it figured out.
I just watched a woman be strong when she thought she had a man to do that for her.
I just watched a murder... Again.
I'm tired of JUST WATCHING and JUST CRYING!
Aren't you?????

-Makeda Meraki

False Memories

False memories are they really false?
They say people can change but is that really true?
If they decide they want to fly, do they grow wings?
I don't think so.
You don't change yourself you change how you do things.
You have to make your own way.
You have to create a way to fly even while you stay the same.
Lies. False all of them are false.
I'd feel better if they just went away.
I believe in you, the two of us are ALWAYS one. Will you hold me somewhere anywhere? So I don't go insane..
The game is won before it's started.
And we are bound by a promise.

Intuitive Note: I've Seen Your Kind Before

Men often say the same thing about me all the time when I ask about how they feel about me, "I mean...You Cool."

This is a tell tell sign that said man has no intention on taking me seriously. 🐸☕

So, when I cut them off, or cut off my feelings that I initially have for them I don't feel bad. They deserve ever cold shoulder that I give. (You wanna waste my time why can't I return the favor? You know that good old 'tit for tat' every man hates after they initiated the 'tit' in order for me to even be able to 'tat' 😕 😂)

I feel as though there is no point in using my emotions when dealing with men. They NEVER feel anything back in regards to a Plain Jane like me in a era full of bad bitches anyway. I just don't fit in. And you know, I'm okay with that.

But, what I'm not okay with is men not knowing what THEY PERSONALLY want and deciding to be attracted to whatever the next guy is attracted to. First it was white, then light skinned, then skinny, then thick, then bbw, now its conscious females. Like, isn't that supposed to be a "manly quality" the ability to lead and make decisions..guess that could be why those are boys and not men.

However, in this era there is a pathetic cycle of indecisive manboys that only want what others/they homies got. Basically, they want what's trending on social media just like the females that they claim are "gold diggers". Well I guess that makes them soul diggers (new phrase!!) then.

SOUL DIGGER (Master Level Fuckboy): male equivalent of a gold digger; however, a kin to the Fuckboy, the soul digger is only there to make you "feel" wanted just enough to keep slowly taking parts of the woman's soul that he is pursuing for the time being. These men use their prey/mate/partner as an emotional/egotistical crutch until they find better. Much like the gold digger the soul digger wants what they want and will use the lover at their expense.

Gold diggers want money and every material thing while soul diggers want to know everything that is you. They endure this process of "getting to know you inside and out and taking things slowly" in order to better manipulate without the lover getting suspicious of their insincerity.

Soul diggers tend to go after the person with the inner light about themselves and are very understanding, I.e. Empaths. They're easy prey because they always "understand", no matter what bullshit excuse the soul digger throws their way even after being let down time and time again. 

-Makeda Meraki

Rich

I really think
I'm never gone be rich
Cause to me,
The money don't mean shit
I get it and give back
Cause My people,
they NEED it..
So, Sometimes I think I'm never gone be rich,
I'm trynna tell you, the money don't mean shit.
If "Jesus" is in thee
"Universe" is in me
And Everything is WE.
I'm Just trying to BE ME
Yo, I really think I'm never gone be rich
Being rich means having money,
And money don't mean shit.

-Makeda Meraki
🌌🌜🌞✊✌

Really Confused

You aren't really confused
You know what you want.
You're just a heartbroken boy, attempting to flaunt
His ego and lies and maybe his thoughts.
Scorned by his past
Awakening love in every woman you pass
Knowing first hand "that thing" won't last.
You fake it
Until she can't take it.
Claiming to be awakened.
But your soul has already been taken.
By a woman that took too much
And in return leaving your heart on a crutch.
And every woman you get with is just to mend you up.
For the next woman seeking a soul
NOW you don't know what to do..
You've run into The One, that's real life GOALS
You aren't really confused,
Your karma's just so backed up, this type of love got you walking on ya tip toes...

-Makeda Meraki
🌌🌜🌞

A Lifetime Without The Sun

I love the sun. And when im sad sometimes i just look up in the sky and can smile. There's something about the light that appeals to my soul. So if you could imagine being all alone in the dark. Wondering. Wandering. With no one there to help. With no one to run to. No one to look at for reassurance. And at no time you were able to see the light of day. And when u find shelter on your own, although you admire the beautiful sound of the rain hitting the windows during a thunder storm you're still afraid you'll be struck by lightning and the rattling of the thunder sends chills down your spine as it shakes your world. In the back of your mind you know there will be sun in the morning, so it will all be ok. But, imagine waking up one day without a huge part of your happiness, without your sunshine, and that turned into a lifetime?..

A perfectly picked heartbreak

A perfectly picked heartbreak. I can tell you now I'll never fall in love, no matter how hard I may love. See you don't ever really get back up once you fall. And people are so temporary, no matter how long you may have loved them, you should learn to love and never fall. I've learned to allow the words "I love you" to become stained upon my lips. And to allow the phrase returned by a man only to kiss my ego, never to echo into my forever giving hallow heart. In life you have to learn to let go, but they never tell you letting go is better than holding on, because nothing is worth keeping in this world, not even companionship. Everything and everyone you know and love will die or leave you behind in some way. So you may as well never get attached to begin with. Then, the letting go part becomes routine and less hurtful. No, I'm not bitter, just a bit wiser.

Manufactured Love

Lies...

Ever been used to them? You know, just listening to them, making the fabricator think you believe..? I have.. I know one when I hear one...I know but I say nothing. I allow you to duplicate your lies until you believe them. Until they become true. Until I believe too..

But what if the time runs out? And I don't succeed. And no matter how many times you tell me, you don't believe. And I look up to realize its still not true. And the Times run out, and my beauty too..

It'll never be, what I could see. Only the things, that left you with me. No I'm not number one. No I'm not the same. I'll never be the way, you envisioned things.

But throughout the pain, I never think to walk away. Not your fault, it's all on me. I allow this to be, so I can't help repeating, "please, just love ME..."

*Not that I don't think I'm good enough, sometimes I just don't think I am enough.*

One Glance

Sometimes I wonder if he'll leave the girl that he, only once, noticed.
Never seen by many
He only took a look once.
Never noticing her care.
Never noticing SHE'S  there.
Overlooking her presence
Only acknowledging her essence.
A shoulder to cry on.
But her heart always worries.
Is she delicate enough to be seen as pretty?
In the dark she stayed
Only because she was afraid,
That the man of her dreams would just soon fade away
Like everything she'd loved so dear
The one thing she wanted filled her with so much fear
To love unconditionally
And trust in someone
My prayers are real.
I've got you, but I'm so scared.
One day you won't be here.
One day you won't think I'm beautiful.
One day you'll walk away, and my every thing won't be around to tell me it's okay,
Or just to kid around.
One day my fairytale dream will come to an end.
No marriage, no kids, no white picket fence.
No more best friend.
And that ONE glance you took at me will come to an end.

Is the Military for you?

People keep asking me my opinion on wether or not they should join the military so here it is:

The military is cool, my boyfriend is in the U.S Army. But, it's hard on relationships, especially if you can't stay faithful. But, it's working out for us though. And yes, the pay is ok and they help you with school. But, it is also mentally and physically draining if you don't have the determination to keep going. At times you'll wish you could just be home or that you're tired, but you have rules to follow that can't be short cut. Being in the Military is something that you have to do because you want to, not for the money. The money cant be the reason. Because you have to keep in mind that you are giving YOUR LIFE for the freedom of your people. The Military requires honor, dedication, and faith because it wont be easy.  You have to do it for your own reasons because the money you make, you could end up dying out there fighting for your country and never get to spend a dime of it. So, you have to think if at the end, all you'll have is your honor, pride, dedication, loyalty, respect, integrity, personal courage, and faith, will that be enough? Is that enough to give your life for another's? Is that enough for our freedom? Is completing your duty of selfless service as a U.S. Soldier enough?
ONLY YOU can answer that.

Breakup Advice from Me

This is my advice on "love," you know the kind where it's one-sided and only alive because you keep going back and allowing lies to be the definition of love. May be the harsh truth but, it's all Love

Just accept it if someone is a liar! And it's ok to be upset and over their Bullsh*t. They don't know what they want. They want to love you and have who they want as well and that's not how this sh*t works.

Honey, it's gonna take for you to cut their a** off totally for you to allow your heart to heal. Just take the time to better yourself, bc obviously they're out doing what they want while you bathe in heartache waiting on them to get their sh*t together. That's so unfair to someone you "love."

It may be hard to get them out of your system, especially if it was or is a long term relationship, yes, I understand. But you can't focus on the past, or the future for that matter. You gotta focus on the here and now. And right now they can't get their sh*t together. Right now they wish to remain a child. So right now, you have to take care of yourself. If you've been through enough heartache for anyone viewing the situation to know your love was real. You no longer have anything to prove. Which means you no longer should have to stand there and keep taking shots to prove you love them. After a while, a real man/woman would stand up and take the shot for you and only be with you. You loved them, you loved them with your all. That's all you can do. If they don't see what they're missing that's on then. Let them have the rag doll while the porcelain stays on the shelf until someone is man/woman enough and decides to stand up and reach up there to get you off the shelf.

I know you may love them and it's hard to stop, but God says to love. You can love someone and not be with them. If you really loved someone you always will. But they aren't good for you. It happens. I love people in my past but I'm no longer in love with him. There's a difference. So you can love them. It's just a matter of loving yourself more.

Then, you'll learn to love someone else again. What you have been through will be exactly what makes you want to show someone else how to love/ how you love.

Learn to love like God and Forgive. But take the past with you as a lesson learned. You now know how you don't wish to be "loved" and you now know what you deserve. You know what to look for. You know that you are strong enough and capable of REALLY loving someone. But now you have to see if you're strong enough to walk away, are you strong enough to take all that will power that you put into SOMEONE ELSE into yourself now? Now, God has basically given you no other choice but to better yourself. But, it's up to you to claim your love for yourself. You can no longer neglect yourself by giving your all to someone else before ever giving yourself a chance to do such.

I'm sure at the time in your life that they came around, you wanted love. You wanted someone for you. Bc at a younger age we crave "real love" but we don't search for it within ourselves, nor within God. We search for it elsewhere. We search for it in an imperfect world where no one else will be able to love us like God/ourselves (we are God/a part of God).  So, we have to learn that lesson when we entrust our whole self to someone who at the same time has not thought to find/love themselves or God yet.

Now, is time for you/God. When you learn who you are and love who you are and are able to own that/love that. And enjoy that you are another one of God's quirky amazing creations full of his love, that is when you will be able to again share yourself with this imperfect world. Because you will have the heart of God, filled with love and forgiveness for the imperfect. You will be at peace with that because you have an understanding of such. And the one you are ment for will find their way to you. They will be attracted to your light and positivity. And you will be willing to share yourself because you will know who you are with or without that person, so you won't be afraid to love.

BestGirlFriend

I am one of those people that chose to date my best friend. My best friend of ten years.
Now I've always understood his personality, I understand his ways. Hell, our birthdays are 15 days apart.
So when he gets upset about something, of course I'm genuinely concerned.
But just as I get angry and shut everyone else out in order to fester upon my thoughts of the situation(s) at hand, he does so also.
However, as his best friend I know to leave him be and allow him to remove himself from his funk, just as I would expect of him.
But here's my conflicting issue/thought.
As his girlfriend I feel as though he should be able to talk to me at least. Or maybe even more so as his best friend I would think he would be able to confide in me.
But, I guess not.
Funny how much the song by Music Soulchild reflects my issue.
I don't know whether the best friend side of me is upset or the girlfriend side.
But I do know that as his best friend it upsets me to think he doesn't feel he can no longer confide in me all bc of this girlfriend title  when before I'd always be the one he'd tell his problems to if no one else.
I texted 5 times, no answer. I waited two days no call.
NOW, he's pisssed off the girlfriend side too!
But as his best friend, I'm still concerned.
I feel like now of all times, I no longer know my place in his life. Bc I thought he'd trust me even more but it's more like he shuts me out more than before. But I deal with it bc I love him, and always want to see him happy.
But I will say it hurts me to see him this way. To know I can do nothing is honestly fucked up. I feel more helpless than when I was just his best friend. I feel like I do nothing for him if I can't cheer him up or at least be the one person he tells his problems to...
He sees no problem in what he's doing bc as his best friend I would allow him to kind of shut me out for a while before I "bugged" him again.  But now it just hurts.

My opinion on marriage, lying, and cheating

Someone asked me; so, here are my thoughts:

I understand that the Lord asked you to forgive, but he didn't say be naive.

He asked you to love but he asked BOTH to vow that it was til death do you part.

One half of this contract that the two have made has become null and void when one side decides to step out of their marriage to seek love, attention, emotional affection, or physical affection.

Those things, you seek at home with your spouse/family.

I feel as though the one doing all the cheating no longer has respect for their spouse nor the bond that they have through christ.

And at that point it is solely up to the one being cheated on to know that their heart has had enough pain throughout all their loyalty.

God asked us to love, not until it hurts.

Because love, and his grace DOES NOT HURT.

A marriage should be the place where you feel almost the safest.

You should be able to tell your spouse anything, especially how you feel.

There should never be a reason that you and your spouse aren't on the same page bc you're a team.

A team graced with the glory of God that has bonded the two together.

I feel that at the end of the day if there's no love and loyalty being reciprocated that you should be able to voice that and also be able to tell them you're tired of it.

You should be able to tell your husband or wife anything. To me, they should be your everyday confessional booth.

There should be no judgement only love and support.

And if YOU messed up, you should be woman enough or man enough to tell them and own up to giving them that option to refuse being lied to our cheated on bc you gave yourself the option to do the lying or cheating.

That's just my opinion. =)

I AM LOVED

Im happy because I chose to be.

I'm happy bc the only man whom I rely on to help me with my happiness is God.

I don't depend on any man nor woman for that matter to approve of or hand over my happiness.

It's something inside me.

It's something I chose to do.

I've been depressed, wishing I was dead, wanting to run away, and even attempting the deadly deed numerous times.

No one knew.

Why?

Because even then I knew that I could depend on no one to make me happy.

I'm only here bc I stopped.

I'm only here bc I chose to be.

I'm only here bc I knew the people that "loved" me didn't know that I didn't love me and I could barely feel their "love" through all the arguments and hatred.

People can believe what they want.

But, for me, God was my therapist.

I've always loved prayer.

It's my internal letter to the Lord.

And, even when I don't think he's getting any of my messages;

I'm content with waiting on my blessings

bc I know I'm an angel,

I know I'm a child of God;

And, no matter what people say to make me feel like I'm less

bc I'm plus size,
bc I'm black,
bc I think for myself,
or bc I'm female.

It doesn't matter

HE hears my cries

And I AM LOVED.