Tbh as a child. I went through so much, saw so much, and felt so much negativity mentally, physically, and emotionally that I literally aspired to be alone. I could never say anything about what i saw bc I'd end up in a foster home or something. And i was the oldest so i had to pretend everything was okay in front of my baby sister and brother, no matter how much i really understood or overheard. I felt inadequate at school (yes i was bullied) and home. I never wanted to feel that alone again without actually being alone. I struggled with suicidal thoughts often. But never went through with it BC of my brother and sister. I just wanted to get away from the hatred, the mean words that so easily flowed from the mouths of strangers and those that are considered family due to a bloodline, and the struggle. I don't know how to love properly BC I feel like I was never truly loved properly from my birth forward. Therefore I guess I never for saw me being married and finding someone, let alone people that actually GAF about how I feel. So if I'm standoffish its BC I can't love half assed like others. Its ALL or NOTHING with me. Every time I have tried to love others its broken me apart in the end. I'm sorry but I'm broken. And only I can fix me. Fixing me means I have to leave everyone behind. I don't want to be here. Literally. I ask 'God' why did I have to be born and why am i here a lot. I have to figure it out before I call it quits all together BC I'm very tired. Imagine forcing yourself to live for others since the age of 10 and you're now 25..
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