The Chess Player

Before You Read: This was something that I wrote when I first decided to sit down and figure out some things about myself. I had been to reserved that I didnt feel like anything was wromg with me until a friend asked me why I was so bitter. If you have never evaluated your life you should because you may never know yourself until you ask.

No one knows me for real. My friends and even family have no clue. I dont open up. I'm like a stuborn rose bud that just wont open.There is a wonderful beauty inside me that I just will not show.

A friend said, "I love you rica." So I said, "you too." Then he asked me, "Why are you so bitter? Why wont you say i love you?"

My problem is that I'm too much of a chess player in life. I think of the next possible moves before I make my move. I'm never spontaneous because I'm afraid of the possible outcomes.

I cried when I said I love you to this guy because I truely meant it. I said this after five years and a mishap and he didnt realize my feelings or maybe I just waited too long.That was what I was afraid of all along.When I realized I had missed out on him I felt the need or obligation to let him know that I always felt this way about him.

I've always felt that the words "i love you" were very powerful and that they shouldnt be thrown around or passed out to just anyone.It's just the chess player in me.     Luv and LOVE are two different feelings.

The thing is... I cant even play a game of chess if I tried. So, maybe thats why im so great at ruining my chances... by thinking to much on things that are obvious.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

I Smile Yet I Frown

I smile yet i frown at the fact that i have u yet i missed out on so much.

I smile yet i frown b/c i love wat we're doing but i wonder if it just may be a little too much.
I smile yet i frown at the complete joy u bring me when we are together yet the thought of EVER loosing u makes me want to shed a tear.
I smile yet i frown knowing that my love for u is unconditional yet i know to the "rules" of love we may not adhere.

I smile yet i frown knowing that i mean alot to u but i may never be ur number one.

I smile yet i frown knowing u love me but wondering if our love like a gun...firing off the last round and then its done?

I smile yet i frown when i look at u and instantly become happy but in the back of my mind there's a uncontrolable fear.

I smile yet i frown knowing that our future is closer, yet the past is undeniably ALWAYS near.

-wlcm Arica Rae'Shon M.

A Kiss

i stand and stare into your beautiful eyes and reminisce on our wonderful moments together.

i want to tell you how i want to be loved and how to love me but i cant do that because its all up to you.

the silence kills me as i watch you slowly fade away.

yet im still stuck with only one foot over the threshold.

its like half of me is stuck on something that is no longer there.

the feeling of an irrepressible love with that same love unrequited is so numbing.

i love u so much ive become insane.

i miss everything that may have never even been.

i have come to reality, no more padded rooms for me.

i now understand that this love i yearn for is futile.

together we will always stand but together we will never be.

i know something is missing because a kiss says everything.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Physically We Yield

we know what's there yet we still move on.
slowing down time as if we had control.
knowing that in the end only the truth can be told.
everything has an experation date.
we just aren't sure of how long.
how long before it's me without you, and you without me, so then we're alone.
creating walls we quickly rebuild as one is demolished.
love, unlike silver it can never be perfectly polished.
mentally and spiritually we move on, quickining our pace.
but physically we yeild.
knowing logically with life vs love...
we could never win that race.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Lonley

tell me....
how do i feel lonley even when you're right next to me
you're not here with me.
you're presense is so unreal.
i create this love in my head.
this love that can only exist within me.
unrecognizable to you.
inconceivable to others.
how can you be near yet so far.
how can i be so in love yet so lonley.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

With You

with him love is so complicated.
with you love is always easy.
with him complaints are near.
with you complaints don't exist.
with him there's always inconsistancy.
with you I can count on love never changing.
with him I'm afraid to show all of me.
with you I'm accepted completely.
with him there's an excuse.
with you there's always the truth.
with him I'm partial.
with you I'm whole.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Speechless

When all else fails, I'm able to express my self through writing.
I'll start off with a concept,
but then I'm unable to find the words to explain how I feel.
I'm constantly confused by you.
You piss me off,
but then you do the sweetest things,like
call me out of no where just to say baby I love you.
Then I'm just stuck on the phone not knowing what to do.
Constantly skeptical,
I said I'd never.
But it is true.
Baby I love u too.
But there's just somethng that makes me speechless when it comes to u.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Sewing Kit

HE came around when my heart was shattered into a million pieces.
I wasnt so sure of HIS capabilities, but HE sat down and glued every piece back together.
HE made everything just seem better.
But in return I backed up and let another clumsily hold onto my heart, taking a few of the pieces and whom im sure has no intentions on returning them.
So I filled those holes with music and writing.
But ill always remember HIS beautiful words,
THAT ONE with the mending glue.
THAT ONE that agreed to fall with me no matter what.
THAT ONE that helped me understand the true beauty in words.
THAT ONE that helped me out more than HE'LL ever know it.
Again im standin at HIS door, but this time with the cloth to patch up my heart with.
Im just hoping that HE has a sewing kit...

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

The Best thing Possible

That unheared, yet so beautifully familiar sound.
The wonderful recognition of the lost one.
The smile gleeming accross your face just at the thought.
The happiness behind a mystery.
The feeling of nothingness, left holding tightly to a vague memory.The wishing, so hard, for just a moment to replenish it.
The time period where you think you have it all back.
The clock unwinds and again its inncorrect.
The frustration as you try to grasp for a reality.
The loathsome filling at the truth, its just immpossible to take it over THIS threshold.
To awake in a cold surrounding of fear and confusion.
To a recognition that the best thing possible was a dream, just a mere illusion.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Folloow me on Twitter @illfollowubak :)

Are These The Reasons Why You're Really Mad?

 

You had what most people wish for in a girl:

I was a downass chick.
I stuck with you no matter what.
I didnt think I was too cute.
I was smart.
I was funny.
I was down to earth.
I was understanding.
I was a beautiful person inside and out.
I didnt doubt you as much as you expected.
I accepted you for you.
I forgave you for sh*t that a lot of females would have left you for.
I was loyal to you, and NEVER once cheated on you, no matter what we went through.
You left all of that because...?
I looked at you through a clear glass and not the blurry one that was created by the people around us and I believed in you.
But you didnt believe in me?

Seductive Resentment: Ch. 5

Chapter 5

I went home to get ready for the Sigma party. I really had to search for something to wear since I hadn’t planned on doing anything tonight.

I searched my closet and finally came across a sleeveless charcoal grey dress and some black pumps. It was perfect it would accentuate my red hair and my hazel-green eyes. It was the most envious outfit that I could find in such short notice. Those bitches would feel so stupid when they saw Aldon walk in with a bombshell.

I quickly got dressed because it was going on seven thirty and I didn’t want to be late, and I was sure that I would have to help Aldon out wardrobe wise. Arriving at this party with me could even get Aldon noticed by other females, so he had to look just as good as I did.

I pulled up at his dorm, Morris hall, at exactly seven thirty-five. I knocked on his dorm room door and waited for him to answer the door. He finally answered the door with the most confused face.

“Why are you looking like that,” I asked, flashing him a smile and pushing past him to walk in.

“Well..um. I didn’t think that you would actually show up. And you look very nice..um….I didn’t catch your name,”he said, with one of the prettiest smiles.

“I did invite you to come with me. Why would I not show up? And my name is Gabby. Aldon. ”

“Oh, well yea but you know…I’ve been stood up so many times by beautiful girls. Gabby.”

“Well, I’m not like that, and is that a compliment,” I said, smiling at him.

“Yes it was,” he said as if he were ashamed to admit it.

“Well, thank you. Um…may I ask you what you have on” I asked with a chuckle to lighten the mood.

Shrugging and shaking his head, he said, “I do not know. I mean I didn’t know what to wear seeing as I don’t get invited to things like this.”

“Well,” I said with the most innocent yet seductive smile I had, “You are in luck. I’ll help you.”

He looked confused and said,“Ummm…What do you have in mind?”

“Well, first it requires you to,”pointing with a sarcastic smirk “take off that wonderful ensemble.”

He looked at me and then slowly removed his shirt while holding on to the uneasy look on his face. The guy was ripped! It was like his average frame had been finely chiseled from marble just to fit him.

I didn’t want to be too late. I mean it was fine to be fashionably late, by geez. So, I began to “help” him a little with the removal of his clothing. I began to unbuckle his belt and then snatched off his pants. It was sort of funny because he seemed to be a little embarrassed. So in order to make him feel a little at ease, with a chuckle, I said, “Oh calm down, you have nothing to be worried about, I have seen the male body before.”

He smiled and I proceeded to invade his closet and dresser drawers. This guy actually had some nice clothes, but he just didn’t know how to put them together the right way. While still searching for the perfect thing for him to wear, I asked him, “Do you have contacts?”

“Um, yea, but I only wear them when something’s wrong with my glasses.”

“Well, put them in would you. You’re leaving your glasses behind tonight,” I said while turning to look at him and smile.

I found him some dark wash boot cut jeans, a white V-neck t-shirt that looked like it would fit his wonderful body to a tee, and a black blazer. He had some black shoes that seemed to be in perfect condition, and they weren’t too dresser or too casual.

After he got dressed he gave himself a look over and said, “Wow…this is pretty plain.”

While helping him comb his hair straight back and out of his face, I quickly said, “Sometimes plain is sexy,”as I gave him a feisty smile.

Together, we stood in the full length mirror. We looked perfect together. Me, the beautiful red head who knew how to be sexy; and him, the now sexy brown-eyed dark haired olive toned guy with a little style.

We both smiled as we looked at the picturesque couple we saw in the looking glass. Turning toward him, and breaking the silence, I said “All right, looks like we’re ready, so lets go.”

We then left his dorm and went to get in my car and head over to the Sigma party. We arrived at the party a little after nine o’clock. Everyone seemed to just be mingling and watching who was entering the party for now, but we all knew that would change after a while.

Right before we walked in Aldon began to look worried. So, I told him, “Don’t worry, you look great…and by the way you have a nice body,” as I looked him up and down while smiling as if I wanted him right where we stood.

Aldon and I got so many stairs, but what counted the most was getting the glairs of the three adolescent minded females that had tried to humiliate him earlier. They couldn’t believe their eyes as they whispered and pointed, making sure that he was the same dweeb they had seen under the tree.

The two of us began to chat when I faked a phone call by turning up the volume on my cell phone. I had only stepped away a little, and not five minutes later, those same girls were in his face demanding attention.

“Um…so hey,” they had sent the same one over to do the talking again, as if they didn’t learn that she just wasn’t the best messenger before, “Alan, was it?”

“Aldon,” he quickly said with confidence.

“Oh yea, Aldon,” she said with a cheesy smile “who’s that girl you came in with?”

In order to save him, I came back over to where he was and stood close to him as if I was guarding what I owned and put one hand on his abs to sort of show his body off a little. “Oh hey,” I said with a bitchey smile that read off ‘who the hell are you’ “I’m Aldon’s date, and who are you again?”

“Oh, um. I just met Aldon today,”she said with the ‘okay you win, I get the clue’ smile as her two friends walked over to join her.

“Oh that’s nice,” I said as I looked into Aldon’s eyes and gave him a quick kiss on the lips to make it look like he was comfortable with me. “Babe can we go now, I’m ready to get outta here, it’s so not what I expected.”

“Oh, yea,” he said while playing along with my little charade. “Sorry I couldn’t stay longer and chat with you ladies, but I have to go.” He looked at them as if they had missed out and put his hand on the slip of my back and walked me toward the door.

A Helping Hello

Why is it that people that you help think it’s okay to run over you too?

I mean you fucking practically share your whole damn life with someone and they don’t know when to say, “okay maybe I’ve received enough.”

The only thing they do is continue to use you and act like it isn’t shit.

Like um…no thank you? Well how ungrateful.

It burns me up to know that a person that is damn near willing to lose their whole livelihood just to make others  feel okay and happy can be so easily abused.

Just because you know that the person that will help everyone rarely ever speaks up for themselves doesn’t mean that they don’t have thoughts, feelings, or maybe even a heart that wants to hear Thank You.

Everything and every person that one is blessed to receive in their life doesn’t mean that it’s deserved, sometimes it’s just a life lesson.

But, what if you don’t want that person or thing to be just another blessing that you haven’t worked for?

Too many people today have no problem receiving what they didn’t work for.

When did it become okay to think that someone else is responsible for your happiness or your well-being?

Why can’t the people of today get off their asses and work for the things that they want?

You know, because there isn’t always going to be someone there to catch you when you fall; and, if you never have had to live life and take care of YOU, you will never even have a clue what to do when/if you decide to get back up.

There shouldn’t be any excuses as to why you can’t improve yourself as an individual, WITHOUT, the help of another human being.

If you’ve always had help along the journey called life, you will never ever get to see all the other beauties that are within yourself nor the outside world because you will only know the way someone else taught you; so, sometimes you have to wonder alone in order to understand who you are and your capabilities.

If you sit down and allow yourself to think for yourself and solve your own problems, I’m pretty damn sure that there will be more happiness within yourself and less blaming of other people for you life’s downfalls.

The only way to make it up a ladder or make it in life is if you take the initiative and take the first step on your own and you must know that there won’t always be a person there to rescue you.

You shouldn’t have to tell the people that have helped you along in life goodbye forever, but you at least need to get away from them at some point so that maybe the next time they see you, the REAL you can say HELLO with a smile on your face because you now know a little more about what in life fits you.

-Arica Rae'Shon M.

Follow me on twitter @illfollowubak :)

Space and Time

Before You Read This poem/spoken word can be about whatever the reader turns it into. "Space and time" are left up to the reader's imagination to interpret. You fill the blank in, you make space and time into whatever applies to you at the moment, I did. :)

I'm so in love with space and time and space and time seemed to be so in love with me too.
But you see, space and time didn't have time or space for me.
I would set out time for space and space for time.
But due to space and time recreation for our love was always available.
But you see, space and time didn't have time or space for me.
Time would go by and space would shrink.
Space would re-open and time added back to the clock.
But you see, space and time didn't have time or space for me.
Removal of feelings because due to time and space those things were unavailable.
Multiplication of the previous additions to my heart because it seemed like this is what time and space needed.
But you see, space and time didn't have time or space for me.
Creation, only in the imagination, of an unborn child but my body didn't have space or time for things like that.
Realization that my soul and heart refused to completely accept or remove time and space.
But you see, space and time didn't have time or space for me.
I was so in love with space and time, and I thought that space and time was so in love with me too.
All of these possibilities now becoming deconstructions, have me now knowing that space and time...

Just didn't have time or space for me.