BestGirlFriend

I am one of those people that chose to date my best friend. My best friend of ten years.
Now I've always understood his personality, I understand his ways. Hell, our birthdays are 15 days apart.
So when he gets upset about something, of course I'm genuinely concerned.
But just as I get angry and shut everyone else out in order to fester upon my thoughts of the situation(s) at hand, he does so also.
However, as his best friend I know to leave him be and allow him to remove himself from his funk, just as I would expect of him.
But here's my conflicting issue/thought.
As his girlfriend I feel as though he should be able to talk to me at least. Or maybe even more so as his best friend I would think he would be able to confide in me.
But, I guess not.
Funny how much the song by Music Soulchild reflects my issue.
I don't know whether the best friend side of me is upset or the girlfriend side.
But I do know that as his best friend it upsets me to think he doesn't feel he can no longer confide in me all bc of this girlfriend title  when before I'd always be the one he'd tell his problems to if no one else.
I texted 5 times, no answer. I waited two days no call.
NOW, he's pisssed off the girlfriend side too!
But as his best friend, I'm still concerned.
I feel like now of all times, I no longer know my place in his life. Bc I thought he'd trust me even more but it's more like he shuts me out more than before. But I deal with it bc I love him, and always want to see him happy.
But I will say it hurts me to see him this way. To know I can do nothing is honestly fucked up. I feel more helpless than when I was just his best friend. I feel like I do nothing for him if I can't cheer him up or at least be the one person he tells his problems to...
He sees no problem in what he's doing bc as his best friend I would allow him to kind of shut me out for a while before I "bugged" him again.  But now it just hurts.

My opinion on marriage, lying, and cheating

Someone asked me; so, here are my thoughts:

I understand that the Lord asked you to forgive, but he didn't say be naive.

He asked you to love but he asked BOTH to vow that it was til death do you part.

One half of this contract that the two have made has become null and void when one side decides to step out of their marriage to seek love, attention, emotional affection, or physical affection.

Those things, you seek at home with your spouse/family.

I feel as though the one doing all the cheating no longer has respect for their spouse nor the bond that they have through christ.

And at that point it is solely up to the one being cheated on to know that their heart has had enough pain throughout all their loyalty.

God asked us to love, not until it hurts.

Because love, and his grace DOES NOT HURT.

A marriage should be the place where you feel almost the safest.

You should be able to tell your spouse anything, especially how you feel.

There should never be a reason that you and your spouse aren't on the same page bc you're a team.

A team graced with the glory of God that has bonded the two together.

I feel that at the end of the day if there's no love and loyalty being reciprocated that you should be able to voice that and also be able to tell them you're tired of it.

You should be able to tell your husband or wife anything. To me, they should be your everyday confessional booth.

There should be no judgement only love and support.

And if YOU messed up, you should be woman enough or man enough to tell them and own up to giving them that option to refuse being lied to our cheated on bc you gave yourself the option to do the lying or cheating.

That's just my opinion. =)

I AM LOVED

Im happy because I chose to be.

I'm happy bc the only man whom I rely on to help me with my happiness is God.

I don't depend on any man nor woman for that matter to approve of or hand over my happiness.

It's something inside me.

It's something I chose to do.

I've been depressed, wishing I was dead, wanting to run away, and even attempting the deadly deed numerous times.

No one knew.

Why?

Because even then I knew that I could depend on no one to make me happy.

I'm only here bc I stopped.

I'm only here bc I chose to be.

I'm only here bc I knew the people that "loved" me didn't know that I didn't love me and I could barely feel their "love" through all the arguments and hatred.

People can believe what they want.

But, for me, God was my therapist.

I've always loved prayer.

It's my internal letter to the Lord.

And, even when I don't think he's getting any of my messages;

I'm content with waiting on my blessings

bc I know I'm an angel,

I know I'm a child of God;

And, no matter what people say to make me feel like I'm less

bc I'm plus size,
bc I'm black,
bc I think for myself,
or bc I'm female.

It doesn't matter

HE hears my cries

And I AM LOVED.

Halloween DIY make-up

Leopard make-up done by yours truly :)

Could this be love

He told me "I love you," its written in the skies.
But when I say it back, I feel an emptiness in my eyes.
Could this be love or just lust in disguise?
The man of my dreams was a man of my past.
Now, I might have a future in the palm of my hands.
Could this be love, starring me right in my eyes?
The heartache I felt was like a decade long.
Until I asked for real love and I started to move on.
Could this be love, I'm not sure inside?
I love you still, I'll love you always.
But my heart has to stop here, it was your plan to  part ways.
Could this be love?
I'm not sure if its true,
If it is true love,
I'm happy HE heard me from up above,
But saddened, that it wasn't with you.

Understanding a Man (via my tweets)

They are dealing with a man that has never really been nor felt truly loved by his mother nor another woman.

So it's going to be hard for him to trust a woman for a long time unless you are adamant about showing him he can trust you to the fullest.

These females that are of his choice only show him what he shows them because they are too immature to understand the nature of a male.

They can't understand that men tend to run from love only because they have a dominate nature that tends to come with an ego.

And that ego tells them to refuse the woman that they know without a doubt that they love because she knows too much about him, more than he.

But god made woman from the man's rib so why would she not know you. You are what is familiar. She IS you. So why run?

God placed that type of familiarity on this earth to remind you of his love. Just to remind you how you're made in his image. And he loves, so you can too.
Its nothing wrong with loyalty but you have to trust in it and have faith that your other half will too.

Give In

You await that day that I just give up and give in.
You can't wait to hear my moans of defeat.
You keep giving me your all, oh I can tell.
The short sharp thrusts indicate your concentration belongs only to my body.
That small bead of sweat forming right above your brow proves you to be a hard worker.
Faster Faster!
You can enjoy the ride.
Your body keeps overloading from all the excitment inside.
Eventually convulsions replace your short thrusts.
Refusing to let my body defeat you, you turn to long strokes,
For this accomplishment is a must.
Like a gambler to a casino you proceed to reappear.
Hoping that THIS time, you won't keep having to confront  your fear.
Not knowing that THIS time, yet again, there's just no luck.
I'm sorry to say it, the head was great; but, you were'nt a good fuck.

                                               *kanye shrug*