Manufactured Love

Lies...

Ever been used to them? You know, just listening to them, making the fabricator think you believe..? I have.. I know one when I hear one...I know but I say nothing. I allow you to duplicate your lies until you believe them. Until they become true. Until I believe too..

But what if the time runs out? And I don't succeed. And no matter how many times you tell me, you don't believe. And I look up to realize its still not true. And the Times run out, and my beauty too..

It'll never be, what I could see. Only the things, that left you with me. No I'm not number one. No I'm not the same. I'll never be the way, you envisioned things.

But throughout the pain, I never think to walk away. Not your fault, it's all on me. I allow this to be, so I can't help repeating, "please, just love ME..."

*Not that I don't think I'm good enough, sometimes I just don't think I am enough.*

One Glance

Sometimes I wonder if he'll leave the girl that he, only once, noticed.
Never seen by many
He only took a look once.
Never noticing her care.
Never noticing SHE'S  there.
Overlooking her presence
Only acknowledging her essence.
A shoulder to cry on.
But her heart always worries.
Is she delicate enough to be seen as pretty?
In the dark she stayed
Only because she was afraid,
That the man of her dreams would just soon fade away
Like everything she'd loved so dear
The one thing she wanted filled her with so much fear
To love unconditionally
And trust in someone
My prayers are real.
I've got you, but I'm so scared.
One day you won't be here.
One day you won't think I'm beautiful.
One day you'll walk away, and my every thing won't be around to tell me it's okay,
Or just to kid around.
One day my fairytale dream will come to an end.
No marriage, no kids, no white picket fence.
No more best friend.
And that ONE glance you took at me will come to an end.

Is the Military for you?

People keep asking me my opinion on wether or not they should join the military so here it is:

The military is cool, my boyfriend is in the U.S Army. But, it's hard on relationships, especially if you can't stay faithful. But, it's working out for us though. And yes, the pay is ok and they help you with school. But, it is also mentally and physically draining if you don't have the determination to keep going. At times you'll wish you could just be home or that you're tired, but you have rules to follow that can't be short cut. Being in the Military is something that you have to do because you want to, not for the money. The money cant be the reason. Because you have to keep in mind that you are giving YOUR LIFE for the freedom of your people. The Military requires honor, dedication, and faith because it wont be easy.  You have to do it for your own reasons because the money you make, you could end up dying out there fighting for your country and never get to spend a dime of it. So, you have to think if at the end, all you'll have is your honor, pride, dedication, loyalty, respect, integrity, personal courage, and faith, will that be enough? Is that enough to give your life for another's? Is that enough for our freedom? Is completing your duty of selfless service as a U.S. Soldier enough?
ONLY YOU can answer that.

Breakup Advice from Me

This is my advice on "love," you know the kind where it's one-sided and only alive because you keep going back and allowing lies to be the definition of love. May be the harsh truth but, it's all Love

Just accept it if someone is a liar! And it's ok to be upset and over their Bullsh*t. They don't know what they want. They want to love you and have who they want as well and that's not how this sh*t works.

Honey, it's gonna take for you to cut their a** off totally for you to allow your heart to heal. Just take the time to better yourself, bc obviously they're out doing what they want while you bathe in heartache waiting on them to get their sh*t together. That's so unfair to someone you "love."

It may be hard to get them out of your system, especially if it was or is a long term relationship, yes, I understand. But you can't focus on the past, or the future for that matter. You gotta focus on the here and now. And right now they can't get their sh*t together. Right now they wish to remain a child. So right now, you have to take care of yourself. If you've been through enough heartache for anyone viewing the situation to know your love was real. You no longer have anything to prove. Which means you no longer should have to stand there and keep taking shots to prove you love them. After a while, a real man/woman would stand up and take the shot for you and only be with you. You loved them, you loved them with your all. That's all you can do. If they don't see what they're missing that's on then. Let them have the rag doll while the porcelain stays on the shelf until someone is man/woman enough and decides to stand up and reach up there to get you off the shelf.

I know you may love them and it's hard to stop, but God says to love. You can love someone and not be with them. If you really loved someone you always will. But they aren't good for you. It happens. I love people in my past but I'm no longer in love with him. There's a difference. So you can love them. It's just a matter of loving yourself more.

Then, you'll learn to love someone else again. What you have been through will be exactly what makes you want to show someone else how to love/ how you love.

Learn to love like God and Forgive. But take the past with you as a lesson learned. You now know how you don't wish to be "loved" and you now know what you deserve. You know what to look for. You know that you are strong enough and capable of REALLY loving someone. But now you have to see if you're strong enough to walk away, are you strong enough to take all that will power that you put into SOMEONE ELSE into yourself now? Now, God has basically given you no other choice but to better yourself. But, it's up to you to claim your love for yourself. You can no longer neglect yourself by giving your all to someone else before ever giving yourself a chance to do such.

I'm sure at the time in your life that they came around, you wanted love. You wanted someone for you. Bc at a younger age we crave "real love" but we don't search for it within ourselves, nor within God. We search for it elsewhere. We search for it in an imperfect world where no one else will be able to love us like God/ourselves (we are God/a part of God).  So, we have to learn that lesson when we entrust our whole self to someone who at the same time has not thought to find/love themselves or God yet.

Now, is time for you/God. When you learn who you are and love who you are and are able to own that/love that. And enjoy that you are another one of God's quirky amazing creations full of his love, that is when you will be able to again share yourself with this imperfect world. Because you will have the heart of God, filled with love and forgiveness for the imperfect. You will be at peace with that because you have an understanding of such. And the one you are ment for will find their way to you. They will be attracted to your light and positivity. And you will be willing to share yourself because you will know who you are with or without that person, so you won't be afraid to love.

BestGirlFriend

I am one of those people that chose to date my best friend. My best friend of ten years.
Now I've always understood his personality, I understand his ways. Hell, our birthdays are 15 days apart.
So when he gets upset about something, of course I'm genuinely concerned.
But just as I get angry and shut everyone else out in order to fester upon my thoughts of the situation(s) at hand, he does so also.
However, as his best friend I know to leave him be and allow him to remove himself from his funk, just as I would expect of him.
But here's my conflicting issue/thought.
As his girlfriend I feel as though he should be able to talk to me at least. Or maybe even more so as his best friend I would think he would be able to confide in me.
But, I guess not.
Funny how much the song by Music Soulchild reflects my issue.
I don't know whether the best friend side of me is upset or the girlfriend side.
But I do know that as his best friend it upsets me to think he doesn't feel he can no longer confide in me all bc of this girlfriend title  when before I'd always be the one he'd tell his problems to if no one else.
I texted 5 times, no answer. I waited two days no call.
NOW, he's pisssed off the girlfriend side too!
But as his best friend, I'm still concerned.
I feel like now of all times, I no longer know my place in his life. Bc I thought he'd trust me even more but it's more like he shuts me out more than before. But I deal with it bc I love him, and always want to see him happy.
But I will say it hurts me to see him this way. To know I can do nothing is honestly fucked up. I feel more helpless than when I was just his best friend. I feel like I do nothing for him if I can't cheer him up or at least be the one person he tells his problems to...
He sees no problem in what he's doing bc as his best friend I would allow him to kind of shut me out for a while before I "bugged" him again.  But now it just hurts.

My opinion on marriage, lying, and cheating

Someone asked me; so, here are my thoughts:

I understand that the Lord asked you to forgive, but he didn't say be naive.

He asked you to love but he asked BOTH to vow that it was til death do you part.

One half of this contract that the two have made has become null and void when one side decides to step out of their marriage to seek love, attention, emotional affection, or physical affection.

Those things, you seek at home with your spouse/family.

I feel as though the one doing all the cheating no longer has respect for their spouse nor the bond that they have through christ.

And at that point it is solely up to the one being cheated on to know that their heart has had enough pain throughout all their loyalty.

God asked us to love, not until it hurts.

Because love, and his grace DOES NOT HURT.

A marriage should be the place where you feel almost the safest.

You should be able to tell your spouse anything, especially how you feel.

There should never be a reason that you and your spouse aren't on the same page bc you're a team.

A team graced with the glory of God that has bonded the two together.

I feel that at the end of the day if there's no love and loyalty being reciprocated that you should be able to voice that and also be able to tell them you're tired of it.

You should be able to tell your husband or wife anything. To me, they should be your everyday confessional booth.

There should be no judgement only love and support.

And if YOU messed up, you should be woman enough or man enough to tell them and own up to giving them that option to refuse being lied to our cheated on bc you gave yourself the option to do the lying or cheating.

That's just my opinion. =)

I AM LOVED

Im happy because I chose to be.

I'm happy bc the only man whom I rely on to help me with my happiness is God.

I don't depend on any man nor woman for that matter to approve of or hand over my happiness.

It's something inside me.

It's something I chose to do.

I've been depressed, wishing I was dead, wanting to run away, and even attempting the deadly deed numerous times.

No one knew.

Why?

Because even then I knew that I could depend on no one to make me happy.

I'm only here bc I stopped.

I'm only here bc I chose to be.

I'm only here bc I knew the people that "loved" me didn't know that I didn't love me and I could barely feel their "love" through all the arguments and hatred.

People can believe what they want.

But, for me, God was my therapist.

I've always loved prayer.

It's my internal letter to the Lord.

And, even when I don't think he's getting any of my messages;

I'm content with waiting on my blessings

bc I know I'm an angel,

I know I'm a child of God;

And, no matter what people say to make me feel like I'm less

bc I'm plus size,
bc I'm black,
bc I think for myself,
or bc I'm female.

It doesn't matter

HE hears my cries

And I AM LOVED.